Yes, it's been a while...

I'm still here. Still in the same town. We didn't move. Instead my husband got a job miles away from us and commutes back and forth (and by that I mean he's home a few days here and there). So far it's been working out pretty well. We've been doing this for about 6 weeks now and I think we are finally finding our groove with it.

So I didn't have to worry about what to do about the Benjamin Boxes or the support group. I'm still doing both of them. As much as I did before anyway. The support group still meets somewhat regularly, but now we don't have our location (it was at our business) so we've met at local coffee shops. This is fine for the core group, but if we get new members it isn't exactly ideal.

Now onto my dilemma... Every year for Benjamin's birthday we ask everyone to do a Random Act of Kindness in his memory. We also designate the day a Family Day. We don't answer the phone, avoid email, and just spend the day together as a family. We do fun things and get a cake that we eat with our hands. It's a nice day; full of love and mostly happiness. Sounds nice right? Well this year Brian won't be home for it. He isn't able to get time off from his new job to come home. So this year it will just be me and the kids. I'm having a hard time with that. I'm trying to decide the best way to plan for this day. I've found in the past that it's the lead up to the actual day that is the hardest. Once the day is here it goes by fairly well (notice I did not say 'easily'), but the days/weeks leading up to it are full of apprehension for how the day will be. I worry that I will spend the day crying and wanting Brian there to help me remember Benjamin in a happy way. I worry that I will not be able to make the day a celebration of his short life but will instead be consumed with sadness over the life he did not get to live. I worry that I won't be able to keep it together alone for Jackson and Lexi. I've had friends offer to spend the day with us, or to take the kids for the day but I'm just not sure what I want. I don't want to be away from the kids that day; I don't want to be alone. I'm not sure if I want other people here. I don't know if I want to spend the day with people that didn't know him. But the only other people that knew him were Brian, my parents and my mother-in-law. And they don't live near here.

So I'm trying to decide if I want to just continue as we have in the past, only without Brian here. Or to totally shake things up and do something totally different. I'm debating having a small celebration. A birthday party of sorts. Like a playdate with cake. I would ask everyone to bring a baby item to donate (either to the food bank or to a local shelter). It would be a small affair with only people who honestly know who Benjamin was, not just know that he is part of my past. People who will help me celebrate his life and how much he changed our world.

Thoughts?