Five years ago

Wow. It's almost been five years since Benjamin was born. This time of year is always hard, understandably I think. It starts around Halloween when the poppies start coming out for Remembrance Day. The sight of those little red flowers fills me with a strange mix of happiness and despair. I'm happy because it makes me think of him, and I'm at the point now where I can think of him happily more than I think of him with tears. But also despair because soon it's another anniversary of the day we had to say goodbye.

November 8th, 2008 was my last day of naive excitement. The last day of my life that I believed I was meant to birth happy healthy babies. Jackson's pregnancy and birth were amazing. My doctor told me I was meant to birth babies. I believed her. I believed that my body was capable of wonderful, amazing things. Then November 9th, 2008 happened. Suddenly I was slapped with the realization that things can go terribly wrong in the blink of an eye. A baby that is wanted, loved and anticipated with such joy can just die. No warning, no premonition, no tiny sniggly little doubt that it would all turn out well. I would go from worrying about how much I could love this baby and Jackson all at the same time, to wondering how I would ever feel joy again. How I would ever believe in the good of the future.

Then November 11th, 2008 happened. It was time to give birth to this little being that had given me such joy and hope and that had instantly changed my life forever. To this day I remember the utter panic and disbelief that this was about to occur. I remember begging my doctor, the nurses, Brian, to make this not real. Don't let him come out. Because once he came out then it was true. As long as he was nestled in my womb I could believe it wasn't true. I didn't want to give him up. I wanted to hold him with me forever.

Then he was born. And Oh my God he was beautiful. I wasn't prepared for how perfect he would look. He was a full fledged baby. He looked like Jackson. And I think my heart might have exploded a little bit. It was so painful. The mixture of heart wrenching despair and profound joy. Here he was. Here was our Benjamin! I wanted more than anything in the world to hear his cry, feel him nursing, see his arms startle up, smell his perfect baby smell. I wanted him to live. I would have given anything to have that happen. Seeing your baby lying there motionless is the worst sight in the world. I tried to look past that and just marvel in the fact that he was out, that we could see him, that we knew he was a boy now. Naturally that was hard, but at the same time you cannot ignore that mother's love. I really was able to see past all of that and just be in awe of this other little being we had created. And he was perfect.

Because it was Remembrance Day, and because he was born before 11am, we were alone in the room with him when the moment of silence came on the intercom. It was the hardest moment. Harder than the moment of his birth. I was laying in that bed watching the man I love holding our still baby. My heart broke again. Remembrance Day is forever changed for me.

So as his fifth birthday comes I am asking people to do a Random Act of Kindness again in his honour. I want surprise smiles to light up the world since his smile never got to. Jackson and Lexi understand who Benjamin is and I want to be able to tell them throughout the day that his life mattered, that he changed the world, that people are celebrating his birthday. As we eat his birthday cake without any forks that night I want them to know that their brother was thought of by many people. I want it to be a happy day for them. I don't want them to think of him with tears. I know I'm going to try not to. So please comment on here, send me a text, send me an email, facebook message, or whatever. But please let me know what you have done so I can let them know. They are excited for his birthday and I want it to be special for them. Thank you.