::sigh::

I had a prenatal appointment today. Everything looks good. Thumper is doing well, I'm doing well, everything is just peachy. And yet, in the middle of the appointment that little nagging bit of doubt crept in there and I had to take a moment to compose myself.

I am 25 weeks pregnant. The baby is roughly 1.5 pounds. Still tiny. I was concerned because the last few times I've used my doppler to listen to her heartbeat it has fluctuated from a strong fast beat to a slower fainter beat. I know that's normal. I know that. But it still freaks me out a bit because the theory is that Benjamin died from a blood clot caused by him compressing his cord. So when Thumper's heart rate slows I just imagine it's because she's planted herself on her cord and is compressing it. And then she'll get a blood clot and die. That is immediately where my mind goes. Even tho, logically, I know it's normal. All babies compress their cords. And most do live.

My doctor assured me that Thumper is still too small to compress her cord. That fluctuations are totally normal. As long as her heart rate is speeding back up quickly then she's fine. That if the heart rate stays below 100 for any length of time then I should be concerned. But basically he told me that, at this point, there is no cause for alarm. Then he went on to state that what happened to Benjamin was a total fluke, like being struck by lightening, and it should not happen to one person more than once. He must have sensed my reaction to that statement because he went on to state that he knows I won't believe that until I am holding this baby safe and healthy in my arms. I just cannot put any faith in statistics and such. It wasn't supposed to happen once, why shouldn't it happen again.

Then I also got a copy of my files since I am going on vacation next week. I want to take a copy of my pregnancy files just in case I have to go to the hospital while I am away. Obviously I read the files, even though I knew there was going to be a lot of stuff on Benjamin in them. Right at the top it goes over my obstetrical history. It has Benjamin listed as 'induced fetal demise, breech'. And then under the heading for 'present health' it simply has N/A. Not applicable. Obviously I know that is true, but it's just so clinical and harsh. God how I wish it was applicable.

Then in the report from my high risk doctor I am referred to as a G3P1SA1. Curiosity got the better of me and I googled what that meant (damn Google!). G means Gravita, which means woman. The 3 is for 3 pregnancies. P is for Para, which is used for the number of previous successful live births. And SA is for Spontaneous Abortions. So in those short 7 characters you can see that I have had 3 pregnancies, one 'successful live birth' and one 'spontaneous abortion'. A spontaneous abortion? Doesn't that sound nice. So clean and clinical. Now I realize these reports cannot be all compassionate and gloss over the cold hard facts, but damn! That just sounds horrible! Let's hope in October I become a G3P2SA1!

The report went on to state that I should be seen more frequently during this pregnancy for various reasons, including emotional support. "She indeed got pregnant very soon after she lost her baby last November and as a result of that is up for a very emotional, stressful rollercoaster during this pregnancy. There was just no time for her to have grieved properly the recent loss of her baby". Ummm..... I thought there was no right and wrong way to grieve? I thought time would NOT heal all wounds? I thought every one grieved on their own time line? Who's to say this isn't the best way for me to grieve. Who's to say that I am not grieving every freaking day, regardless of the fact that I am pregnant! Who's to say that if I had waited to get pregnant that would not have been harder on me? I want more children. I want a living, breathing, crying, healthy freaking baby in my arms! That does not, in any way, diminish the loss I feel for my son! I can mourn him and at the same time try to be hopeful for this baby. They are not mutually exclusive. I understand that this pregnancy is going to be very emotional and stressful. I think even if I had waited months, or years, it would have been very emotional and stressful. Time will not change that. Time will not erase the pain of losing Benjamin. It will not make the hurt and disbelief that it happened or the belief that it might happen again go away. I will feel this way for every pregnancy I have, regardless of how much time I have had to grieve my sweet baby Benjamin.

I washed all my baby clothes this weekend. I had a bunch that a friend gave to me before she moved. They are all boy's clothes. A bunch of them had small stains on them because her son was a big spitter-upper and was on medication for it that stained clothes. I was able to get almost all the stains out, which I was very pleased about because the clothes are really cute. I also washed the big bag of girl clothes my sister handed down to me. Most of them are 12 months or older. So if Thumper is indeed a girl she's going to be wearing a whole lot of blue, lol! But I'll wait to go shopping until I get a better indication of the gender of this stubborn little baby! I go for another ultrasound on August 5th, so lets hope s/he is a little less modest at that scan!

So that's my update for today.