Tada!!
www.benjaminboxes.wordpress.com
Please go check it out and let me know what you think! I'm hoping for good things to come from this.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Remebrance Jewelry
I recently had a necklace custom made for me by a wonderful company (www.pacificurns.ca). This company makes necklaces that are also little urns, but the beauty of them is that no one would know that is what they are. They just look like stunning pendants. A friend of mine had one made and it is just beautiful. So I contacted them about having a daisy made. I debated if I wanted a daisy or not. We called Benjamin 'Daisy' when I was pregnant with him. And daisies still make me think about him. But at the same time calling him Daisy made things a little more confusing because I was so sure my baby Daisy was going to be a girl. So when my baby Benjamin was born I felt like my baby girl (Daisy) and my baby boy (Benjamin) both died. I felt like I lost the girl I was pg with and the boy I gave birth to. Weird. But in the end a friend of mine put it in a great light. She said that by getting the necklace of a daisy I was honoring both my memories. It wasn't confusing things any more than they already were. I was honoring my baby Daisy but also Benjamin because it was his ashes in it. Confused yet?
The process of having the necklace made should have been simple. They sent me a picture of a flower they had in mind for the daisy and I okayed it and they made it happen. When I received the necklace I was so disappointed. It looked nothing like I had in mind. I didn't want to put Benjamin's ashes into it. This was supposed to be something that I would want to wear every day, but I didn't even want to look at it. I could objectively look at it and see that it was a beautiful piece of jewelery, but it just wasn't what I imagined my necklace to look like. I knew that it was my fault; it did look just like the picture that I had okayed.
I decided to call the company and tell them that I just wasn't happy with it. I didn't know what they could do about it; if anything. I actually was that woman. The one that calls a company and actually starts crying. It was a tad humiliating, lol! Anyways, the man that I ended up talking to was actually part of the design team for it. I don't think he took offense when I told him that I wasn't happy with it. I think he understood. We discussed what about it I didn't like and what I would want changed. I told him I had found some images online of daisies that were more in line with what I was thinking about. He told me to send the necklace back to him and to email him the images that I liked. Then they would make me a new one. OMG! They would make me A BRAND NEW ONE!!! For no additional charge!!! They were also going to add a Citrine stone in the middle (November birth stone). FOR NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE!
I received my new necklace a few days before we went home for Christmas. I filled it the next day and have not taken it off since. I absolutely love it. And I love that part of my sweet baby boy is with me at all times. Day and night.
So if anyone is in the market for a piece of remembrance jewelery I cannot recommend this company more highly. The customer service they have is beyond fantastic. And their work (on both necklaces) is absolutely beautiful.
The process of having the necklace made should have been simple. They sent me a picture of a flower they had in mind for the daisy and I okayed it and they made it happen. When I received the necklace I was so disappointed. It looked nothing like I had in mind. I didn't want to put Benjamin's ashes into it. This was supposed to be something that I would want to wear every day, but I didn't even want to look at it. I could objectively look at it and see that it was a beautiful piece of jewelery, but it just wasn't what I imagined my necklace to look like. I knew that it was my fault; it did look just like the picture that I had okayed.
I decided to call the company and tell them that I just wasn't happy with it. I didn't know what they could do about it; if anything. I actually was that woman. The one that calls a company and actually starts crying. It was a tad humiliating, lol! Anyways, the man that I ended up talking to was actually part of the design team for it. I don't think he took offense when I told him that I wasn't happy with it. I think he understood. We discussed what about it I didn't like and what I would want changed. I told him I had found some images online of daisies that were more in line with what I was thinking about. He told me to send the necklace back to him and to email him the images that I liked. Then they would make me a new one. OMG! They would make me A BRAND NEW ONE!!! For no additional charge!!! They were also going to add a Citrine stone in the middle (November birth stone). FOR NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE!
I received my new necklace a few days before we went home for Christmas. I filled it the next day and have not taken it off since. I absolutely love it. And I love that part of my sweet baby boy is with me at all times. Day and night.
So if anyone is in the market for a piece of remembrance jewelery I cannot recommend this company more highly. The customer service they have is beyond fantastic. And their work (on both necklaces) is absolutely beautiful.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Benjamin Boxes
When I originally decided to make Benjamin Boxes for our local hospital I tried to find out approximately how many we would need in a year. I spoke to the grief counsellor that all the bereaved mothers get referred to. I spoke to the social workers at the hospital. And I looked at stats on line. All of this led me to believe it would be about 12 a year. These are just cases of stillbirth, as this is who will receive a Benjamin Box.
So I went shopping. I bought Notepads, pens, tissues, stationary, small zip-close bags, hand/foot print kits, and scrapbooking paper to make small frames for hand or foot prints. I also went to a local maternity/baby boutique (www.motheringtouch.ca) and told the owner about the boxes. She donated baby gowns to add to the boxes. Then I researched online sources of support and information and made up a long list to include in the boxes. I wrote up my story and included that. I also bought 12 sympathy cards and had the women in my support group sign them (often including their contact information).
I dropped off the first three boxes on November 10th. The social worker at the hospital emailed me a few weeks ago asking me to drop off another 3 boxes since they had run out of them. So I made up 3 more and dropped them off 2 weeks ago. Sadly, I just got an email today telling me they are in need of more boxes. That means that in 2 months there have been 6 families whose dreams have shattered. Six babies who were gone too soon. If these boxes have provided any comfort then I will gladly make as many as needed.
I have had people suggest setting up a paypal account so that I'm not having to make these boxes using my own money. That way I could include more things in them. I've looked into paypal, and even have a Paypal account. But I'm a tad technologically slow and don't really understand much more than how to set up the account, lol! If anyone wants to do that for me, let me know! If there are as many boxes needed as it seems then I might have to put more of an effort into fundraising. I have had a couple generous friends and relatives donate money to the cause (thank you so much!!). But I really hate asking for money. Even if it is a worthwhile cause. And I promise not to turn this blog into constant posts asking for donations! I was just surprised today when I got the email telling me they are already running short on them again. If this trend continues it could mean that I will have to donate 36 boxes this year, instead of the 12 originally planned for! Yikes!
My long-term hope is that these boxes could be offered in more hospitals than just my local one. But I'd like to get through one year here and see how it goes first. It just makes me sad to hear stories of women that have gone through this and not received any sort of support. Talk about feeling alone at a time when you need all the compassion you can get!
So I went shopping. I bought Notepads, pens, tissues, stationary, small zip-close bags, hand/foot print kits, and scrapbooking paper to make small frames for hand or foot prints. I also went to a local maternity/baby boutique (www.motheringtouch.ca) and told the owner about the boxes. She donated baby gowns to add to the boxes. Then I researched online sources of support and information and made up a long list to include in the boxes. I wrote up my story and included that. I also bought 12 sympathy cards and had the women in my support group sign them (often including their contact information).
I dropped off the first three boxes on November 10th. The social worker at the hospital emailed me a few weeks ago asking me to drop off another 3 boxes since they had run out of them. So I made up 3 more and dropped them off 2 weeks ago. Sadly, I just got an email today telling me they are in need of more boxes. That means that in 2 months there have been 6 families whose dreams have shattered. Six babies who were gone too soon. If these boxes have provided any comfort then I will gladly make as many as needed.
I have had people suggest setting up a paypal account so that I'm not having to make these boxes using my own money. That way I could include more things in them. I've looked into paypal, and even have a Paypal account. But I'm a tad technologically slow and don't really understand much more than how to set up the account, lol! If anyone wants to do that for me, let me know! If there are as many boxes needed as it seems then I might have to put more of an effort into fundraising. I have had a couple generous friends and relatives donate money to the cause (thank you so much!!). But I really hate asking for money. Even if it is a worthwhile cause. And I promise not to turn this blog into constant posts asking for donations! I was just surprised today when I got the email telling me they are already running short on them again. If this trend continues it could mean that I will have to donate 36 boxes this year, instead of the 12 originally planned for! Yikes!
My long-term hope is that these boxes could be offered in more hospitals than just my local one. But I'd like to get through one year here and see how it goes first. It just makes me sad to hear stories of women that have gone through this and not received any sort of support. Talk about feeling alone at a time when you need all the compassion you can get!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Signing Christmas Cards
How do you sign Christmas cards? Generally, in my experience anyways, it is the woman in the relationship that signs cards. So I sign them from Rachel and Brian. Even though, more often than not, Brian has nothing to do with the card. He did think about how we needed to send a card, he did not buy the card, he did not think of anything to write in it, but yet it seems appropriate to sign his name. The thought that matters and all that. Since having Jackson I also sign his name on it too. Which sometimes amuses me since he has even less to do with the card. And now there is Lexi. Her name got thrown on all the Christmas cards too. Did she care if everyone had a good Christmas? Probably not since she doesn't understand the concept of Christmas. Heck, she doesn't even understand the concept of 'good'. And yet it is the thing to do to sign the card from everyone in the family.
Which brings me to today's topic. It did not seem right to me to sign the card from everyone in our family and not include Benjamin at all. When you really think about it Lexi wanted everyone to have a good Christmas just as much as Benjamin did. But how do you casually include your stillborn son on a Christmas card? A while ago I started signing things that were from all of us and included a '+1'. Quite often it is just small near the bottom corner of a card so that people might not really notice it, but it's there for me. He's still included. It seems silly that I feel he needs to be included on something so trivial as a Christmas card. But it's just another way to keep him included in our family and to keep the memory of him alive in everyone's mind.
It seems, as time goes on, that people tend to 'forget' about Benjamin. I know no one has actually forgotten about him, but he is barely mentioned anymore. On Christmas day I opened a card from one of Brian's aunts and she addressed it to Brian, Rachel, Jackson and Lexi. But then on the side she wrote a star and said 'and never forgetting our special boy'. What did I do? Burst into tears. That was the only mention of him that day. I know my family and Brian's family were thinking about him, but no one actually spoke of him. I don't know what I would have preferred. If everyone had talked about him then it might have been more outwardly sad. We all knew that someone was missing from the celebrations and that it was just unfair, but at the same time he was there in everyone's minds.
And at what point do I move forward and stop looking back so much? A friend asked me if I was getting an ornament this year for Benjamin. I told her that I wasn't because I felt that if I got one this year then next year I'd feel I had to again, and when would that end? I don't want the tree to be filled with ornaments for Benjamin to the point that there are less ornaments for my living children. I don't want them to feel in the shadows of their brother. I know, I know, they are just small little ornaments. But I would want them to be front and center on the tree. So no. I am not going to get him an ornament every year. I got him a beautiful one last year and I will put it on the tree every year, in a place of prominence. But I will not specifically go out and buy him a new one each year.
He would have been 13 1/2 months this Christmas. He would have just had practice opening presents at his birthday and would have been a pro at ripping into the Christmas presents. Jackson and him would have been little terrors, feeding off each other, and having a blast. It would have been hectic and crazy. And I would have loved every second of it.
Which brings me to today's topic. It did not seem right to me to sign the card from everyone in our family and not include Benjamin at all. When you really think about it Lexi wanted everyone to have a good Christmas just as much as Benjamin did. But how do you casually include your stillborn son on a Christmas card? A while ago I started signing things that were from all of us and included a '+1'. Quite often it is just small near the bottom corner of a card so that people might not really notice it, but it's there for me. He's still included. It seems silly that I feel he needs to be included on something so trivial as a Christmas card. But it's just another way to keep him included in our family and to keep the memory of him alive in everyone's mind.
It seems, as time goes on, that people tend to 'forget' about Benjamin. I know no one has actually forgotten about him, but he is barely mentioned anymore. On Christmas day I opened a card from one of Brian's aunts and she addressed it to Brian, Rachel, Jackson and Lexi. But then on the side she wrote a star and said 'and never forgetting our special boy'. What did I do? Burst into tears. That was the only mention of him that day. I know my family and Brian's family were thinking about him, but no one actually spoke of him. I don't know what I would have preferred. If everyone had talked about him then it might have been more outwardly sad. We all knew that someone was missing from the celebrations and that it was just unfair, but at the same time he was there in everyone's minds.
And at what point do I move forward and stop looking back so much? A friend asked me if I was getting an ornament this year for Benjamin. I told her that I wasn't because I felt that if I got one this year then next year I'd feel I had to again, and when would that end? I don't want the tree to be filled with ornaments for Benjamin to the point that there are less ornaments for my living children. I don't want them to feel in the shadows of their brother. I know, I know, they are just small little ornaments. But I would want them to be front and center on the tree. So no. I am not going to get him an ornament every year. I got him a beautiful one last year and I will put it on the tree every year, in a place of prominence. But I will not specifically go out and buy him a new one each year.
He would have been 13 1/2 months this Christmas. He would have just had practice opening presents at his birthday and would have been a pro at ripping into the Christmas presents. Jackson and him would have been little terrors, feeding off each other, and having a blast. It would have been hectic and crazy. And I would have loved every second of it.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Happy New Year!!
Okay, okay... It's been a new year for 2 weeks now. But Happy New Year nonetheless.
My only new year resolutions are not to be pregnant or have a baby in 2010. I got pregnant with Jackson in September of 2006, gave birth to him in May of 2007. Then I got pregnant with Benjamin in February of 2008 and gave birth to him in December of 2008. Then I got pregnant with Lexi in January of 2009 and gave birth to her in September of 2009. So I've been pregnant for some part of every year since 2006 and have had a baby in 2007, 8 and 9. My body (and my sanity) need a bit of a break!
I hope everyone had a good holiday. I'll post more about it once we are settled. We were in Ontario for 3 weeks and got back last week but are still settling back into our 'routine'. Whatever that is.
On a side note, I had to drop off three more Benjamin boxes at the hospital last week. They have already given three of them to bereaved families. One of which was my neighbour... Their identical twin boys were born around 30 weeks and did not survive. I haven't made it over to their house yet. Something is stopping me. I think it's the fact that I will bawl and then be awkward in my neighbourhood. Stupid, I know. I did have Brian drop off a card while I was away. Seems trivial though...
My only new year resolutions are not to be pregnant or have a baby in 2010. I got pregnant with Jackson in September of 2006, gave birth to him in May of 2007. Then I got pregnant with Benjamin in February of 2008 and gave birth to him in December of 2008. Then I got pregnant with Lexi in January of 2009 and gave birth to her in September of 2009. So I've been pregnant for some part of every year since 2006 and have had a baby in 2007, 8 and 9. My body (and my sanity) need a bit of a break!
I hope everyone had a good holiday. I'll post more about it once we are settled. We were in Ontario for 3 weeks and got back last week but are still settling back into our 'routine'. Whatever that is.
On a side note, I had to drop off three more Benjamin boxes at the hospital last week. They have already given three of them to bereaved families. One of which was my neighbour... Their identical twin boys were born around 30 weeks and did not survive. I haven't made it over to their house yet. Something is stopping me. I think it's the fact that I will bawl and then be awkward in my neighbourhood. Stupid, I know. I did have Brian drop off a card while I was away. Seems trivial though...
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Results from the Random Act of Kindness Day
I was very happy with how many people did something nice in Benjamin's memory on his birthday. Here's all the good things that happened in the world because he existed:
- A friend let a big truck on the highway in front of her when no one else would. The truck driver smiled and waved.
- Brownies and cheesecake were made for a bake sale, even tho the baker didn't really have the time to make them.
- A neighbour's windows were washed.
- Care packages of muffins and cookies were taken to 3 co-workers who are having difficult times making ends meet.
- A 5 year old girl took part in a Remembrance Day Ceremony (she viewed this as her act of kindness and remembering Benjamin).
- An 8 year old girl helped some classmates with schoolwork problems.
- The same 8 year old girl befriended another skater at her skating lesson.
- Workmates were driven to Remembrance Day Ceremonies.
- A soldier's hand was shaken and he was thanked for his efforts in peacekeeping.
- Neighbour's were surprised with coffee, tea and timbits.
- A couple whose 4 week old baby is in the hospital were surprised with a gift certificate to Boston Pizza.
- A mother sent notes in her kid's lunch boxes telling them how thankful she is for them.
- A mother got her toddlers timbits for a snack (which they never get!).
- A bag of food was given to a homeless man.
- A teacher took her co-worker's duties so she could enjoy her lunch
- Co-workers were surprised with coffee
- Money was donated to Empty Arms for books for the library.
- Food was brought to a friend who had lost her baby recently.
- A donation was made to Heifer International.
- Fabric was dropped off to a friend who is unable to travel.
- A mother had a 'random act of craziness' with her 3 year old son by jumping on the bed to dance and sing; just enjoyed the little moment in life with her child.
- Baby cereal and baby food was donated to the food bank by the same mom and 3 year old boy (he picked fruits he was sure the babies would like).
- The same 3 year old boy found a some Christmas ornaments in the parking lot and brought them in to the customer service desk so the person who lost them could come back and get them.
- Clothes were donated.
- Carnations were handed out to random people at the grocery store.
- Money was donated to City Harvest (an organization that provides food to the needy in NYC).
- A mom is buying one extra thing at the supermarket every time she goes and dropping it in the donation bin.
- A co-worker was brought lunch when he was stuck in a meeting all day.
- A mom made her family her priority that day as she feels she takes them for granted all too often. She emailed or talked to 3 family members that she usually tends to avoid.
- A dad called his grandparents and talked to them for quite a while and had his 2 year old daughter talk to them too. It made their day.
So as you can see, the random acts of kindness ranged from simple things that we all should be doing already (cherishing the day to day with our families) to things that are not done often (donations to charities). And each and every one of these acts made me smile when I heard about them. So thank you to everyone that took the time that day to think of my sweet baby boy.
- A friend let a big truck on the highway in front of her when no one else would. The truck driver smiled and waved.
- Brownies and cheesecake were made for a bake sale, even tho the baker didn't really have the time to make them.
- A neighbour's windows were washed.
- Care packages of muffins and cookies were taken to 3 co-workers who are having difficult times making ends meet.
- A 5 year old girl took part in a Remembrance Day Ceremony (she viewed this as her act of kindness and remembering Benjamin).
- An 8 year old girl helped some classmates with schoolwork problems.
- The same 8 year old girl befriended another skater at her skating lesson.
- Workmates were driven to Remembrance Day Ceremonies.
- A soldier's hand was shaken and he was thanked for his efforts in peacekeeping.
- Neighbour's were surprised with coffee, tea and timbits.
- A couple whose 4 week old baby is in the hospital were surprised with a gift certificate to Boston Pizza.
- A mother sent notes in her kid's lunch boxes telling them how thankful she is for them.
- A mother got her toddlers timbits for a snack (which they never get!).
- A bag of food was given to a homeless man.
- A teacher took her co-worker's duties so she could enjoy her lunch
- Co-workers were surprised with coffee
- Money was donated to Empty Arms for books for the library.
- Food was brought to a friend who had lost her baby recently.
- A donation was made to Heifer International.
- Fabric was dropped off to a friend who is unable to travel.
- A mother had a 'random act of craziness' with her 3 year old son by jumping on the bed to dance and sing; just enjoyed the little moment in life with her child.
- Baby cereal and baby food was donated to the food bank by the same mom and 3 year old boy (he picked fruits he was sure the babies would like).
- The same 3 year old boy found a some Christmas ornaments in the parking lot and brought them in to the customer service desk so the person who lost them could come back and get them.
- Clothes were donated.
- Carnations were handed out to random people at the grocery store.
- Money was donated to City Harvest (an organization that provides food to the needy in NYC).
- A mom is buying one extra thing at the supermarket every time she goes and dropping it in the donation bin.
- A co-worker was brought lunch when he was stuck in a meeting all day.
- A mom made her family her priority that day as she feels she takes them for granted all too often. She emailed or talked to 3 family members that she usually tends to avoid.
- A dad called his grandparents and talked to them for quite a while and had his 2 year old daughter talk to them too. It made their day.
So as you can see, the random acts of kindness ranged from simple things that we all should be doing already (cherishing the day to day with our families) to things that are not done often (donations to charities). And each and every one of these acts made me smile when I heard about them. So thank you to everyone that took the time that day to think of my sweet baby boy.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Lexi's birth story
I haven't posted her birth story yet. I wrote most of it out right after she was born (during that long week I was still in the hospital). Here is the first installment!
Alexandra Simone is here!!
I am overjoyed to announce the SAFE arrival of our beautiful baby girl Alexandra Simone. She was born on Friday, September 25th at 8:26pm. She was a whopping 6 pounds, 13 ounces and 50.5cm long. We heard her beautiful cry moments after her caesarean section birth. It was the best sound we have ever heard.
It has been a VERY long week; a fitting end to a VERY long 38 weeks. Here’s how the week went…
Thursday, September 24th - This was the first day that I was on the induction list. We were not all that hopeful that I would get a call telling me to come in. I dropped Jackson off at daycare like usual and went home to tidy up the house, planning to watch a Baby Story marathon for the rest of that morning. Then I had to pick up Jackson at 1pm. But all that was to change. At 10:45am I got a call from the hospital. I had made it to #1 on the induction list!! I was to come in as soon as safely possible! I ran around the house for the next 20 minutes grabbing stuff for my hospital bag, grabbing other things I thought I might want for the potentially long stretch of hospital induction ahead of me. Then I had to run next door to make sure Jackson could stay at daycare for the rest of the day. Then off to work to pick up Brian and head in to the hospital!
I got there and they immediately put me into L&D Room #2 (never even a question as to whether I would go into room #1 or not!). They hooked me up to the fetal monitors and found Thumper’s heart beat right away; nice and strong. After a little while a resident doctor came in and examined me. On Tuesday at my doctor appointment I had been a fingertip dilated so I was hoping to have made it to at least 1-2cm (I’d been crampy all week). This doctor examined me and announced that I was closed up tight. Ummm… So apparently not only did my body not know I was full term but it was also actively denying it! So with that the resident inserted the Cervidil and hooked me back up to the fetal monitors. I had to remain lying down for 30minutes with the monitors on so they could ensure that the Cervidil didn’t negatively affect the baby.
Once I was able to move they brought me over to my room on Antepartum. I had been worried that they would place me in Room #6 and that would be just too difficult to be so close to Room #7 (the room where moms are placed who are having stillbirths). Those two rooms share a bathroom and I would have such a hard time fighting the urge to go next door to offer any comfort I could to any mom in that room. Luckily I was placed in Room #5, close but not too close. I had a roommate who was in for preterm labour at 29 weeks. She was a very nice woman with an adorable 3 year old son. We had a lot of nice friendly chats and talked about fearing for our baby’s lives. It was nice to have someone to talk to during that time who sort of knew the emotions I was going through.
All through Thursday I was still having the cramps that I normally had, but nothing implying labour was imminent. I went to sleep that night (with the help of a sleeping pill) assuming labour was not going to happen any time soon. I started believing that I would be sent home either the next afternoon or on Saturday to wait and come back in next week some time.
Friday, September 25th – I woke up that morning and still wasn’t feeling labour starting up. In the evening I was hooked up to the monitors by one of my favourite nurses; Mary. She was working Antepartum when I had Benjamin and was one of the two nurses that I remember the most. She had sat with me during that time and talked to me and hugged me and made things a little easier. When I saw her this day I was so happy to see someone that was such an important part of that time. She remembered me and sat with me for a little while chatting again. She hooked up the monitor early in the morning and said “if baby is ready to be born I’ll find the heart beat right here” and put the monitor on the lower left side of my belly. Sure enough, there was the heart beat, nice and strong. I decided that I was going to be a little more proactive this day and went for a nice long walk outside (well, as long a walk as I could waddle). After my first walk around 11am I mentioned to the nurse that I wanted to be hooked up to the monitors for a bit. I hadn’t felt the baby moving too much and was getting a little worried about it. A nurse came into the room and put the monitor on my belly, where the baby’s heart beat was always found right away. The monitor was silent. I immediately started crying and thinking the worst. All I could think was “I cannot go through this again; I cannot lose another child”. After a little while and a lot of searching we were able to find the heartbeat on the lower right side of my belly. The baby had shifted to the other side and must have been with her back closer to my back for the heart beat to be so faint. But there was a heart beat, and that’s all that mattered.
At 1:30 I went to the bathroom and realized that the Cervidil was not in place anymore. I was due to get my next dose at 2:30 anyways so the nurses called my doctor to come and check me and insert another Cervidil. In the meantime they hooked me up to the monitors again because I had mentioned that on my last walk I had been feeling a lot of regular cramping so I wanted to be hooked up just to see if anything was happening. I was also feeling a little anxious about Thumper’s movements again. They hooked me up to the monitors and I was having contractions. They were quite mild but were actually very regular, about 3-4 minutes apart. When my doctor came to the room to check me we found out that I was about 1-2cm dilated now. That, along with the regular contractions, made my doctor decide not to insert any more Cervidil but instead to move me to Labour and Delivery and start Pitocin.
I was put in L&D Room #3. That was the same room that I had Jackson in so I felt it was a good sign. When we all got into the room my doctor informed me that she was also going to break my water. She had spoken to my high risk OB and he had told her to rupture my membranes. When she went to check me and break my water she decided that the baby’s head was too high still and she was not comfortable breaking the water. She decided instead to call the OB and have him come check me and he could break my water if he was comfortable doing it. In the end my OB wasn’t on call anymore so we had another OB come. He came in and checked me. Right away he said that he was not comfortable breaking my water either. He felt that the baby’s head was too high and he thought she had a hand up by her head. He brought in the ultrasound machine to see what we were dealing with. We saw one of the last things any of us were expecting. Thumper had turned breech. It happened at some point between the morning when Mary hooked me up to the monitors and that moment. It was a sobering coincidence: when I was induced with Benjamin he was head down but when he was born he had flipped and was head up. Same thing was happening again. When they first induced me Thumper was head down but now that it was time for the birth she had flipped and was head up. To make it even more surreal she was footling breech; the same rare type of breech that Benjamin had been.
Right away the OB and my doctor started telling us that I would need to have a caesarean section. A breech delivery was just too risky. Because it was already after normal hospital hours we would not have access to a high detail ultrasound machine that would tell us the exact positioning of the baby and if the baby would safely be able to fit through the birth canal. I was devastated. I did NOT want a c-section. It was one thing I had been trying to avoid the entire pregnancy. I had researched the likelihood of every induction method ending in a c-section. I had even researched vaginal birth of breech babies. I knew it could be done! But in the end Brian and I decided that there were just too many ‘what ifs’ involved in going through with ‘trying’ to vaginally birth Thumper. I could not stop thinking about the fact that I had vaginally birthed Benjamin and he was basically full term and breech. I knew my body could do it, so maybe we should try to have the birth that I wanted (vaginal). While we were in the L&D room discussing our options and trying to come to terms with having a c-section Mary came in to talk to me. She put it in a very blunt way that totally rang true to Brian and I. She said “With Benjamin there was nothing to salvage, with this baby there is everything in the world to salvage. Look at it as a chance to make this an entirely new experience just for this baby.” Once she said that the decision to have the c-section was much easier. I knew that it was much more risky to birth Thumper this way than it was for Benjamin since we didn’t have to worry about his health. I could not take the chances with Thumper’s health just to get ‘my birth experience’. The most important thing was definitely her health and safety. So we told the nurses to let the doctors know we wanted to do the c-section, and we wanted it done as soon as possible.
Around 8pm the nurses brought me into the operating room. I was a little nervous since I didn’t know what to expect. I had never had any major surgery (just my wisdom teeth out when I was a teenager). I knew I was going to have to have a spinal (like an epidural) and the idea of that made me uncomfortable. The main reason I never wanted an epidural during labour was because I don’t want the recovery from one, I don’t want the loss of feeling and movement and control. So I got up on the operating room table and had to hunch over so that the anaesthesiologist could locate the right spot and inject the meds into my spinal column. Talk about uncomfortable! Here I am, hunching over in a ball around a 38 week baby while having contractions. Just to make sure it was a horrible experience the anaesthesiologist could not find the proper spot and ended up making 6 or 7 attempts before finally getting it. I have no idea how long it took. All I know was he had to inject some freezing medicine in first and then follow through with a bigger needle to make sure he got the right spot. Every single poke hurt. By the end of it I was sobbing. As soon as he stopped I sat back up and almost instantly my left leg started getting very warm. They helped me lay down on the table and got to work setting up the operating room. The spinal had taken full effect and everyone was in position so they brought Brian in.
I should mention here that there were two L&D nurses in the operating room with us. One was Cindy, who was a younger woman and very very nice. She explained things to me and was very calming and compassionate. She was the one standing holding my shoulders when the spinal was being put in. The other nurse was Jen. As soon as I saw her I knew that I recognized her. She was the ‘Young pretty nurse’ from my stay on Antepartum when I had Benjamin. She was the nurse that took Benjamin from me the last time and did so with such compassion and love that it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. She was the last person I saw holding my sweet baby boy. The fact that she was there for the birth of my next baby, my daughter, meant the world to me. It was just so right.
During the delivery Jen stayed up around my head a lot and talked me through some of what was going on. When they were pulling the baby’s head out it took them a long time and Brian and I started getting a little concerned. I kept asking him what they were doing and why it was taking so long. I finally asked him if the doctors looked worried. At that point Jen told us that it was all normal and nothing was wrong. That was a relief to hear.
When the baby was pulled out she didn’t give the big full-bodied cry like I so desperately wanted to hear and I think both Brian and I held our breath until we heard any sort of a cry from her. She let out a little squawk, but there was no big cry. That was okay though because that cry said everything we needed to hear anyways. The OB held her up for us to get a quick peek and then took her over to the exam table so that the paediatrician and the student doctor could give her a full exam to make sure everything was okay with her. She scored a 9 and a 10 on her apgars and all of her reflexes were working how they should be. It felt like they were taking forever to examine her and I started worrying that there must be something wrong with her and they just weren’t telling us yet. I asked Brian a million times why they were taking so long and what was wrong. I know my voice started getting a little panicky and Jen quickly came over to reassure me that everything was okay; they were just thoroughly checking her over. Then she went over to the paediatrician and told him “we have a very anxious mom here” and he promptly finished the exam, wrapped her up and brought her over to us.
I was so happy when they brought her over and we got to see her opening her eyes, looking around, making little grunting noises. Just being so alive. I hated that I was strapped down to the table and couldn’t hold her and have skin to skin contact with her right away. I hated that I couldn’t nurse her immediately. But she was here and we could touch her and feel her warm skin and her little squirms. She was perfect.
While the doctors were finishing the c-section Brian and the baby were taken to the recovery room where they would wait for me. I was brought in shortly after and was cleaned up and my vitals were taken and all that usual stuff. During this time I got to really look at the baby and finally got to nurse her. She latched on right away and instinctively knew what to do. It was one of the moments that I had been waiting for, and it was perfect. Around this time Jen and Cindy noticed that the baby was feeling a little cold so they decided that she should have a little time in the warmer to try to help her regulate her body temperature a little bit. While she was in there Brian stood beside her just marvelling at her. It was a very touching sight. I know how anxious he was to get her here alive and healthy and you could just see the love for her on his face. During this time Brian and I decided to finalize the name. We decided on Alexandra Simone. We chose Alexandra because we just really liked the name and we like the name Ally. We chose Simone after Brian’s dad, Simon. Now Jackson is named after my dad, Alexandra is named after Brian’s dad, and Benjamin is named after both sides of our family.
We were transferred to the Mother and Babe Unit once Alexandra’s body temperature regulated and I was all ready to be moved. We were brought to a double room that didn’t have anyone else in it so Brian was able to stay that first night. Good thing too since half of me was still pretty much useless! I was able to shimmy myself off the OR bed and onto my Mother/Babe bed, so I was feeling okay about the whole loss of control issue with the spinal. That first night I did not get any sleep. Brian, on the other hand, slept like a champ, snoring away! Alexandra slept through most of the night too, making sweet little grunts and sighs the entire time.
Alexandra Simone is here!!
I am overjoyed to announce the SAFE arrival of our beautiful baby girl Alexandra Simone. She was born on Friday, September 25th at 8:26pm. She was a whopping 6 pounds, 13 ounces and 50.5cm long. We heard her beautiful cry moments after her caesarean section birth. It was the best sound we have ever heard.
It has been a VERY long week; a fitting end to a VERY long 38 weeks. Here’s how the week went…
Thursday, September 24th - This was the first day that I was on the induction list. We were not all that hopeful that I would get a call telling me to come in. I dropped Jackson off at daycare like usual and went home to tidy up the house, planning to watch a Baby Story marathon for the rest of that morning. Then I had to pick up Jackson at 1pm. But all that was to change. At 10:45am I got a call from the hospital. I had made it to #1 on the induction list!! I was to come in as soon as safely possible! I ran around the house for the next 20 minutes grabbing stuff for my hospital bag, grabbing other things I thought I might want for the potentially long stretch of hospital induction ahead of me. Then I had to run next door to make sure Jackson could stay at daycare for the rest of the day. Then off to work to pick up Brian and head in to the hospital!
I got there and they immediately put me into L&D Room #2 (never even a question as to whether I would go into room #1 or not!). They hooked me up to the fetal monitors and found Thumper’s heart beat right away; nice and strong. After a little while a resident doctor came in and examined me. On Tuesday at my doctor appointment I had been a fingertip dilated so I was hoping to have made it to at least 1-2cm (I’d been crampy all week). This doctor examined me and announced that I was closed up tight. Ummm… So apparently not only did my body not know I was full term but it was also actively denying it! So with that the resident inserted the Cervidil and hooked me back up to the fetal monitors. I had to remain lying down for 30minutes with the monitors on so they could ensure that the Cervidil didn’t negatively affect the baby.
Once I was able to move they brought me over to my room on Antepartum. I had been worried that they would place me in Room #6 and that would be just too difficult to be so close to Room #7 (the room where moms are placed who are having stillbirths). Those two rooms share a bathroom and I would have such a hard time fighting the urge to go next door to offer any comfort I could to any mom in that room. Luckily I was placed in Room #5, close but not too close. I had a roommate who was in for preterm labour at 29 weeks. She was a very nice woman with an adorable 3 year old son. We had a lot of nice friendly chats and talked about fearing for our baby’s lives. It was nice to have someone to talk to during that time who sort of knew the emotions I was going through.
All through Thursday I was still having the cramps that I normally had, but nothing implying labour was imminent. I went to sleep that night (with the help of a sleeping pill) assuming labour was not going to happen any time soon. I started believing that I would be sent home either the next afternoon or on Saturday to wait and come back in next week some time.
Friday, September 25th – I woke up that morning and still wasn’t feeling labour starting up. In the evening I was hooked up to the monitors by one of my favourite nurses; Mary. She was working Antepartum when I had Benjamin and was one of the two nurses that I remember the most. She had sat with me during that time and talked to me and hugged me and made things a little easier. When I saw her this day I was so happy to see someone that was such an important part of that time. She remembered me and sat with me for a little while chatting again. She hooked up the monitor early in the morning and said “if baby is ready to be born I’ll find the heart beat right here” and put the monitor on the lower left side of my belly. Sure enough, there was the heart beat, nice and strong. I decided that I was going to be a little more proactive this day and went for a nice long walk outside (well, as long a walk as I could waddle). After my first walk around 11am I mentioned to the nurse that I wanted to be hooked up to the monitors for a bit. I hadn’t felt the baby moving too much and was getting a little worried about it. A nurse came into the room and put the monitor on my belly, where the baby’s heart beat was always found right away. The monitor was silent. I immediately started crying and thinking the worst. All I could think was “I cannot go through this again; I cannot lose another child”. After a little while and a lot of searching we were able to find the heartbeat on the lower right side of my belly. The baby had shifted to the other side and must have been with her back closer to my back for the heart beat to be so faint. But there was a heart beat, and that’s all that mattered.
At 1:30 I went to the bathroom and realized that the Cervidil was not in place anymore. I was due to get my next dose at 2:30 anyways so the nurses called my doctor to come and check me and insert another Cervidil. In the meantime they hooked me up to the monitors again because I had mentioned that on my last walk I had been feeling a lot of regular cramping so I wanted to be hooked up just to see if anything was happening. I was also feeling a little anxious about Thumper’s movements again. They hooked me up to the monitors and I was having contractions. They were quite mild but were actually very regular, about 3-4 minutes apart. When my doctor came to the room to check me we found out that I was about 1-2cm dilated now. That, along with the regular contractions, made my doctor decide not to insert any more Cervidil but instead to move me to Labour and Delivery and start Pitocin.
I was put in L&D Room #3. That was the same room that I had Jackson in so I felt it was a good sign. When we all got into the room my doctor informed me that she was also going to break my water. She had spoken to my high risk OB and he had told her to rupture my membranes. When she went to check me and break my water she decided that the baby’s head was too high still and she was not comfortable breaking the water. She decided instead to call the OB and have him come check me and he could break my water if he was comfortable doing it. In the end my OB wasn’t on call anymore so we had another OB come. He came in and checked me. Right away he said that he was not comfortable breaking my water either. He felt that the baby’s head was too high and he thought she had a hand up by her head. He brought in the ultrasound machine to see what we were dealing with. We saw one of the last things any of us were expecting. Thumper had turned breech. It happened at some point between the morning when Mary hooked me up to the monitors and that moment. It was a sobering coincidence: when I was induced with Benjamin he was head down but when he was born he had flipped and was head up. Same thing was happening again. When they first induced me Thumper was head down but now that it was time for the birth she had flipped and was head up. To make it even more surreal she was footling breech; the same rare type of breech that Benjamin had been.
Right away the OB and my doctor started telling us that I would need to have a caesarean section. A breech delivery was just too risky. Because it was already after normal hospital hours we would not have access to a high detail ultrasound machine that would tell us the exact positioning of the baby and if the baby would safely be able to fit through the birth canal. I was devastated. I did NOT want a c-section. It was one thing I had been trying to avoid the entire pregnancy. I had researched the likelihood of every induction method ending in a c-section. I had even researched vaginal birth of breech babies. I knew it could be done! But in the end Brian and I decided that there were just too many ‘what ifs’ involved in going through with ‘trying’ to vaginally birth Thumper. I could not stop thinking about the fact that I had vaginally birthed Benjamin and he was basically full term and breech. I knew my body could do it, so maybe we should try to have the birth that I wanted (vaginal). While we were in the L&D room discussing our options and trying to come to terms with having a c-section Mary came in to talk to me. She put it in a very blunt way that totally rang true to Brian and I. She said “With Benjamin there was nothing to salvage, with this baby there is everything in the world to salvage. Look at it as a chance to make this an entirely new experience just for this baby.” Once she said that the decision to have the c-section was much easier. I knew that it was much more risky to birth Thumper this way than it was for Benjamin since we didn’t have to worry about his health. I could not take the chances with Thumper’s health just to get ‘my birth experience’. The most important thing was definitely her health and safety. So we told the nurses to let the doctors know we wanted to do the c-section, and we wanted it done as soon as possible.
Around 8pm the nurses brought me into the operating room. I was a little nervous since I didn’t know what to expect. I had never had any major surgery (just my wisdom teeth out when I was a teenager). I knew I was going to have to have a spinal (like an epidural) and the idea of that made me uncomfortable. The main reason I never wanted an epidural during labour was because I don’t want the recovery from one, I don’t want the loss of feeling and movement and control. So I got up on the operating room table and had to hunch over so that the anaesthesiologist could locate the right spot and inject the meds into my spinal column. Talk about uncomfortable! Here I am, hunching over in a ball around a 38 week baby while having contractions. Just to make sure it was a horrible experience the anaesthesiologist could not find the proper spot and ended up making 6 or 7 attempts before finally getting it. I have no idea how long it took. All I know was he had to inject some freezing medicine in first and then follow through with a bigger needle to make sure he got the right spot. Every single poke hurt. By the end of it I was sobbing. As soon as he stopped I sat back up and almost instantly my left leg started getting very warm. They helped me lay down on the table and got to work setting up the operating room. The spinal had taken full effect and everyone was in position so they brought Brian in.
I should mention here that there were two L&D nurses in the operating room with us. One was Cindy, who was a younger woman and very very nice. She explained things to me and was very calming and compassionate. She was the one standing holding my shoulders when the spinal was being put in. The other nurse was Jen. As soon as I saw her I knew that I recognized her. She was the ‘Young pretty nurse’ from my stay on Antepartum when I had Benjamin. She was the nurse that took Benjamin from me the last time and did so with such compassion and love that it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. She was the last person I saw holding my sweet baby boy. The fact that she was there for the birth of my next baby, my daughter, meant the world to me. It was just so right.
During the delivery Jen stayed up around my head a lot and talked me through some of what was going on. When they were pulling the baby’s head out it took them a long time and Brian and I started getting a little concerned. I kept asking him what they were doing and why it was taking so long. I finally asked him if the doctors looked worried. At that point Jen told us that it was all normal and nothing was wrong. That was a relief to hear.
When the baby was pulled out she didn’t give the big full-bodied cry like I so desperately wanted to hear and I think both Brian and I held our breath until we heard any sort of a cry from her. She let out a little squawk, but there was no big cry. That was okay though because that cry said everything we needed to hear anyways. The OB held her up for us to get a quick peek and then took her over to the exam table so that the paediatrician and the student doctor could give her a full exam to make sure everything was okay with her. She scored a 9 and a 10 on her apgars and all of her reflexes were working how they should be. It felt like they were taking forever to examine her and I started worrying that there must be something wrong with her and they just weren’t telling us yet. I asked Brian a million times why they were taking so long and what was wrong. I know my voice started getting a little panicky and Jen quickly came over to reassure me that everything was okay; they were just thoroughly checking her over. Then she went over to the paediatrician and told him “we have a very anxious mom here” and he promptly finished the exam, wrapped her up and brought her over to us.
I was so happy when they brought her over and we got to see her opening her eyes, looking around, making little grunting noises. Just being so alive. I hated that I was strapped down to the table and couldn’t hold her and have skin to skin contact with her right away. I hated that I couldn’t nurse her immediately. But she was here and we could touch her and feel her warm skin and her little squirms. She was perfect.
While the doctors were finishing the c-section Brian and the baby were taken to the recovery room where they would wait for me. I was brought in shortly after and was cleaned up and my vitals were taken and all that usual stuff. During this time I got to really look at the baby and finally got to nurse her. She latched on right away and instinctively knew what to do. It was one of the moments that I had been waiting for, and it was perfect. Around this time Jen and Cindy noticed that the baby was feeling a little cold so they decided that she should have a little time in the warmer to try to help her regulate her body temperature a little bit. While she was in there Brian stood beside her just marvelling at her. It was a very touching sight. I know how anxious he was to get her here alive and healthy and you could just see the love for her on his face. During this time Brian and I decided to finalize the name. We decided on Alexandra Simone. We chose Alexandra because we just really liked the name and we like the name Ally. We chose Simone after Brian’s dad, Simon. Now Jackson is named after my dad, Alexandra is named after Brian’s dad, and Benjamin is named after both sides of our family.
We were transferred to the Mother and Babe Unit once Alexandra’s body temperature regulated and I was all ready to be moved. We were brought to a double room that didn’t have anyone else in it so Brian was able to stay that first night. Good thing too since half of me was still pretty much useless! I was able to shimmy myself off the OR bed and onto my Mother/Babe bed, so I was feeling okay about the whole loss of control issue with the spinal. That first night I did not get any sleep. Brian, on the other hand, slept like a champ, snoring away! Alexandra slept through most of the night too, making sweet little grunts and sighs the entire time.
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