Monday, October 26, 2009

One month

Lexi was a month old yesterday. I took her photo in the black chair. Jackson was born on the 30th of the month and every 30th I would take his photo in the black chair. That way I could see the changes and his growth month by month.

On December 11th of last year I was so sad. All I could think about was that I should be taking Benjamin's photo in the black chair. I wanted so desperately to take his photo in that stupid chair. It was so unfair to me that I could not do that.

Last night we propped Lexi up in that black chair and took her photo. As happy as I was to do it I could not help but think about how unfair it was that I never got to do the same for Benjamin. I am going to have monthly photos of Lexi in that chair, just as I do for Jackson, and I will cherish both sets of them. But it still sucks that I don't even have one photo in that chair of their brother. Such a stupid thing. It's just a photo. In a chair that is usually covered in cat fur. There are so many more important things that should upset me that they will have that Benjamin will not. Yet this is what makes me sad. I suppose it will every month.

And while I'm posting on here I'll bring up another issue. Actually I'll bring up two. The first is how freaking sick and tired I am of hearing people say how lucky I am to have a boy and a girl. "One of each, how nice, you have the perfect family". "A boy and a girl, you must be so happy". "A millionaire's family, how fantastic". Ummm. NO. I do not have ONE of each. Yes, that is all that you can see, but every single time someone says this to me all I can think is that I am NOT lucky to have one of each. I am not so happy to have one of each. It is not fantastic. It sucks. It is depressing. It is unfair and it is shitty. Sure I have one boy and one girl here with me. But I am supposed to have two boys. Or two boys and a girl. I am not supposed to just have two children. In my heart I have three and that is just so painful that no one can see that.

The second issue is that if Benjamin had not of died we would not have Lexi. As shitty as that is, it is probably true. I highly doubt we would have still gotten pregnant at 2 months postpartum. I don't think we are that sadistic. So no, we probably would not have Lexi in our lives right now. We would have a 2 1/2 year old boy and an almost 12 month old boy. Maybe I'd be pregnant again by now, but I certainly would not have a 1 month old girl too. So if he had not died we would not have her. That brings up the issue of which way is better? If Benjamin hadn't died we wouldn't have Lexi. So to have one we can't have the other. Either Benjamin or Lexi. Would I rather Benjamin not have died, not have gone through that horrible pain, and instead have my little one year old running around the house right now? Or is it best the way it is now? Have gone through that pain of losing Benjamin and be the person I am now with the one month old daughter? I know Benjamin gave me many gifts and changed who I am in more ways than anyone (myself included) can imagine, but would I rather be in the life I could have had if he had lived? Thinking these thoughts makes me sad. Sad that I question if I'd rather Lexi never have existed. Sad that I question whether I want her as much as I would have wanted her brother. But that's not it. It's not that I want her or him. It's more a question of whether I want this life or that life. The pain and the changes and the heartache that came with losing him, but also the awareness and experiences that came with it. Or whether I would have preferred not to have gone through all of that and not have gone through the changes that he created. As surprising as it seems, I think I prefer this life. As much as my heart hurts every day for him, i know that he gave me so many gifts and opportunities. As much as I wish he were here with me right now, I know that he will always be in my heart. He will always be such an important part of my life. He will live on in his older brother and his sister. Those glimpses of him that I see in Lexi are there to remind me that in addition to all the gifts he gave me he gave me one more. His sister is here because he could not be. And for that I love him even more.

His birthday is coming up. I don't know what to do about that. I know it's going to be hard. I don't know how badly it's going to hit me. I can rationally look at it as it's just another day. Just another day without him. What should it matter that it's the one year anniversary of the day he was born. And really which day should be harder? November 7th, the day they figure he died? November 9th, the day we found out he had died? November 11th, the day he was born? Or November 13th, the last day I got to hold him? All those dates suck. I think November 11th is going to be the worst. Not just because that is the day that it became such a reality, but because that is also Remembrance Day. It's a national day of mourning. A day when everyone will be thinking about and talking about people who have died. No matter where you are at 11:11am there is a moment of silence to think about those who have died. Last year during that moment we were holding our son, dealing with the undeniable reality that he had died. How is that moment going to hit me this year? Will it be hard every year for me or will it be a sweet reminder of my beautiful baby boy? Being sad that he died can't change the past. It won't bring him back. On November 11th, 2008 we got to meet our son. We got to look at his beautiful face and see who he looked like. Sure he was born still, but it is still his birthday. I hope on that day I can think of it that way. I want to do something nice on that day. Something that can be a family tradition for him. We don't have a gravesite to go to, or a special place that makes us think of him. I want something to do that Jackson and Lexi will know is in memory of their brother. I want something to do that can make Brian and I happy to think of our baby boy. I want something to do that is just for us, just for our family. I want it to be fun and happy. I don't want the day to be about sadness and crying. I want Jackson and Lexi to see us remembering their brother with smiles and love. So if anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear them.



    here's an idea.

  2. Thank you for your open heart and honesty in your blog posts. Our son Noah was stillborn at 25 weeks in Jan 2007. I will not take time to write what we went through because you know full well. After 2 years of infertility we found out we were pregnant again only to lose another baby, Jack, at 17 weeks. Again, devastation and anger overtook me.

    Each year, on Noah's birthday, we go out to eat as a "family only" (we have a 9yr old and 6 yr old) and we get cake and sing to Noah. We will be adding a second silent birthday on 3/31 as we sing to Jack. It celebrates their lives and how each touched us in such a deep way.

    Maybe you too could have a "family only" party and remember your Benjamin. It will be a hard day, but that's okay. It hurts to lose someone you love so much.

    ((hugs)) as we remember our boys together!