Friday, November 6, 2009

The closer it gets...

I don't know how to refer to the day. Is November 11th Benjamin's birthday? I guess, technically, it is, but it just doesn't feel right to call it that. I know a lot of people refer to the day a stillborn baby is born as their angelversary, but I am not religious and don't believe that he is an angel, so that doesn't fit either. For simplicity sake I have been referring to the day as his birthday. I mean, he was born on that day after all. But really it should just be Benjamin's day. A day to celebrate him and all that he was and all that he could have been.

As the day gets closer it seems to be taking up more and more of my thoughts. It doesn't help that every where I look I am reminded of the fact that November 11th is almost here. For anyone not familiar with the Canadian Remembrance Day, it is a day that is spent honouring war vetrans and people wear a poppy for days leading up to November 11th. I am so much more aware of them this year, it seems that they are out in an abundance. I see them on everyone's lapels, I see them in bins by the register in stores, I see them scattered on the ground (those pins never do stay in your coat!). They are just everywhere. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Some days it makes me sad to see them, some days it makes me happy, some days it makes me angry. Sad because it's a reminder of how close it is to a year since Benjamin was born. Happy because it makes me think about him. And angry because I want the day to just be about Benjamin. I don't want his birthday to fall on such a somber day. It doesn't feel fair to me that so many other people will be sad on his birthday. I want that all to myself. I know it's irrational, but it's how I feel.

I just spent some time working on Benjamin Boxes. I compiled a resource list of websites that are useful to bereaved parents. I also wrote a letter about why I have made the boxes. In doing all of this I also went back and read some of the stuff I wrote after he was born. Some of it is posted on here, some of it isn't. It opened up some wounds that I thought had healed. But in a way it felt good to revisit those emotions.

I hope some of you are thinking of things to do in Benjamin's memory on Wednesday. I have heard from some people that they are planning on doing something and that means a lot to me. Thank you.

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