Thursday, November 11, 2010

Happy Birthday sweet baby boy

Dear Benjamin,

We love you and miss you today, as always, Benjamin. The years may pass but the love we feel for you never lessens.

I try to imagine you as a two year old. You should be running around by now, talking, yelling, being a rambunctious two year old. I wonder what you would look like. When I am able to imagine an image of you it is always the same. You have dark curly hair. You have beautiful full lips. You are a tall solid kid, full of energy. Your voice is soft and sweet. I can almost imagine hearing you call me mommy. But it's hard. I have to really force myself to imagine you at two. When I think of you, all I can picture is a perfect little newborn. With dark curly hair, dark full lips, and a solid weight in my arms. Oh how I wish I could feel you in my arms again. To feel your little body filling my arms, to kiss your forehead, touch your hair.

I miss you in a way I wish I didn't know. I wish I didn't know the pain of having a hole in my heart. The pain I still feel when someone asks me how many children I have. The pain when someone comments on how perfect my family is, what with a boy and a girl. The sadness I feel when I see another two year old and realize they are almost the exact same age as you should be. The sadness I feel when I know Jackson and Lexi will never know you. They will know of you, but it's not the same. You will just be a person from the past to them, the brother they never really had. That hurts. So much. I so desperately want you to grow up with them. To learn things from Jackson, to teach things to Lexi. That is just unfair. Why did it have to be you, little man? Why did you have to die? Why you??

That's all for now. I refuse to let your birthday be one of sadness. Two years ago today you were born. I got to embrace you in my arms. Your daddy, gramma, papa and nana got to hold you. Two years ago you were a real baby, for the whole world to see, not just my own special baby for me to feel and know.

Your short life has changed the world, Benjamin. People all over Canada and the States are doing nice things today in your memory. People are smiling today because of you.

And I am smiling today because of you. I smile every day because of you. Yes, I cry still too, but mostly I smile. I smile because I cannot help smiling, the love just gets the best of me. Even though I truly do wish you were here today with us, I know that even in death you are always with us. So tonight when we are blowing out your candles and eating your birthday cake I would like to believe that you are smiling too.

I love you so much sweet boy. I always will.


  1. Your writing is beautiful Rae. Happy Birthday Sweet Benjamin, you've touched us all more than anyone could ever know.

  2. Hi Rae,

    We have been thinking of Benjamin & your whole family lots lately. To celebrate Benjamin we made some banana chocolate chip muffins & suprised friends & family with them.

    Without my little sidekick I spent some extra time at the hospital with some of the residents that do not have family or visitors & just took the time to visit (listen, chat, hold a hand, clean their glasses) the basics that we should do all the time, but never make time to do. Your little man has helped so many people!

    Happy Birthday Benjamin! - Melody