17 weeks

Can you all believe that 17 weeks ago was the worst time of my life? Doesn't that seem like forever ago? And yet just the other day? 17 weeks ago right now I was waiting in my room for them to bring Benjamin back to me for the first time. 17 weeks ago right now Heather was waiting to take the photos that I will cherish forever. 17 weeks ago my life changed dramatically. 17 weeks ago my faith in the future and all things good changed. 17 weeks ago I lost any innocence I had. 17 weeks ago I knew firsthand what true heartache felt like. 17 weeks ago I felt my heart and soul crumple into a little ball. 17 weeks ago I was wishing so hard that I was in a nightmare and not a new reality. 17 weeks ago I knew that I had changed forever.

BUT 17 weeks ago I got to meet and hold my precious sweet baby boy. 17 weeks ago we became two bodies instead of one. 17 weeks ago I got to meet this little being who had been growing inside of me. 17 weeks ago I got to feel like a new mommy all over again. 17 weeks ago I learned the greatest pain any mom can know. But 17 weeks ago I learned the greatest love any mom can know too. 17 weeks ago I had to say goodbye to my baby, my hopes, my plans for the future I had dreamed of. 17 weeks ago I got to kiss his sweet head, caress his soft hair, and hold his precious little hands. 17 weeks ago I got to physically be his mom.

But for the last 17 weeks I have got to carry him in my heart. For 17 weeks I have got to look at his sweet photos and remember his gorgeous physical body. For 17 weeks I have been able to close my eyes and remember the feel of his hair, the feel of his skin. For 17 weeks I have been able to feel the consuming love for him in my heart. For 17 weeks I have been his mommy. He may not physically be here with me, but he will always be in my heart. For the past 17 weeks and for every week I have left in my life.

I love you Benjamin.