Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Sunday, November 9th

I don't think I am going to be able to do this in only 3 parts. There is too much to tell. I don't want to miss any important details or memories. I want to do the story right.

Today's post is only going to be about Sunday, November 9th. The day our lives changed so drastically.

The day started off well. We slept in a little while, letting Jackson play in his crib. I realized, while I laid there, that I hadn't felt Daisy moving that morning. Normally the baby was really active late at night and then again in the morning. I would lie in bed and feel all the rolls, kicks, punches and acrobatics. This morning I hadn't felt them. Then I wondered if I had felt them last night at all and didn't think so. Brian got me some juice and I drank that and then laid down on my left side. I remembered reading somewhere that if you hadn't felt the baby moving in a while to drink juice and lie on your left side, that would wake the baby up. So as I laid there Brian went and had a shower. When he came back into the bedroom he asked if Daisy had moved yet. I said no and that I wasn't sure what to do. He told me not to mess around with this and to call Susan. I was hesitant to call her. It was only around 8:15am. I didn't want to wake Susan up for a false alarm. I felt like I was over-reacting, that I was being a drama queen. I just did not think that anything would really be wrong. It was just me being a worrier.

I called Susan and told her that I hadn't felt Daisy move in a while. I wasn't sure when the last time I felt movement was. She told me she would be over around 9am. I went and had a shower and threw some comfy clothes on. While we waited for Susan Brian and I talked about what we were going to do that day. We planned on going out for breakfast and then putting the nursery together. We had just bought the crib and dresser on Friday and were looking forward to getting the room all done. So far it was still Jackson's playroom and we were kind of worried about how he would react to losing his second room. We were going to put the crib and dresser together and leave Jackson's toys in there for a while. We would transition the room from a playroom to Daisy's nursery slowly.

Susan got to our house and I laid down on our couch so she could listen for Daisy's heartbeat. She tried for about 10-15 minutes. At one point she thought she found it so she grabbed my wrist. Nope, it was my heartbeat, just beating very fast. I started crying because I was terrified that maybe I wasn't just being a drama queen. I really truly thought I was. While she was checking I swear I could feel Daisy moving. I even said to Susan "oh see, I just had to call you and she starts moving again, just to prove me wrong." Susan was worried. No, she was beyond worried. I think she was positive at that point that Daisy had no heartbeat. She told us to meet her at the hospital and she would check with their machines. Apparently they would be able to detect things that her equipment couldn't.

We got Jackson ready to go, called Tania to meet us at the hospital to look after Jackson, and headed to the hospital. We were both worried, but not to the point that we thought things were that bad. On the drive I asked Brian what percentage of him thought something was really wrong. Neither of us thought it was that likely. Once we got to the hospital we had to decide how long to get for parking. Brian thought we would only need an hour or two. I thought we should just get the 4 hour pass. How long could it take just to check me?

Susan was waiting for us at labour and delivery. Tania wasn't there yet so we all headed into the assessment room. Right away Susan got the fetal heart rate monitors out. She didn't strap them onto me, she just held them to my belly. She searched around for a while and still couldn't find anything. She started telling me she was sorry. I told her that at home when she was checking I could have sworn I felt Daisy moving. She told me that it was probably just the baby being pushed around from her pushing on my belly. Then she told me she was going to go and get the OB and the ultrasound machine.

I think at this point it was sort of starting to sink in for both of us. We new things were not looking good and we were getting scared.

I'm not sure of the order of things or the times of things, to be honest a lot of Sunday is a bit of a blur to me. I know the general order so that's what I'm going with here. It doesn't really matter anyway.

Tania got to the hospital right at the same time that the OB came into my room. Brian had taken Jackson out to see Tania, so he wasn't in the room for the ultrasound. When the OB came into the room he immediately told me he was sorry for my loss. Susan told him that I still had hope, that I thought I had felt the baby move when she was checking me at home. He told me that the ultrasound isn't a diagnostic tool, that it is just used to "confirm what we already know to be true". And with that he hooked up the ultrasound and right away brought up an image of Daisy's face. Then he moved down to the chest and showed me the heart. "No heart activity" is all he said. Just like that. "No heart activity". Then he told me he was sorry and started putting the machine away. I told him to wait, that he had to show Brian, that someone had to get Brian into the room. I was starting to panic. I didn't know what to do with this information. How could my baby be dead? How could this have happened to Daisy? Brian came back into the room and the OB right away told him he was sorry for our loss, then brought up the image again. Again he pointed to the heart and told us there was no movement. We asked him to see what gender Daisy was. We wanted to know now. There was no sense in waiting for the birth, I wanted to know right then if I was going to have a boy or a girl. It didn't make a difference, I just wanted to know so that we could prepare and just so we could know. I wanted to think of Daisy as s/he was for this last while. I didn't want to keep saying "if Daisy's a boy" or "if Daisy's a girl". It didn't matter tho, Daisy's legs were together and we couldn't see.

The doctor wiped the gel off my belly and put the machine away. Then he and Susan left the room. It was then that it fully sunk in. I started sobbing and yelling "It's not fair". Brian was trying to hold me but I was beating on his chest and just crying. I can't even describe the despair and hurt I felt at that moment. It was horrible. Nothing in my life has compared to the heartache that I felt in that room. My Daisy was dead. Inside of me. I had to give birth to my baby and I would never see her grow up. I would never see her smile. Never hear her talk. All the dreams and hopes and expectations that we had built up over the last 8 months were gone. Now we had to deal with this new reality, this new life. And it sucked.

I was going to be admitted to the hospital to get induced. We were given the option of being admitted right then or going home for a bit to get things organized and then come back. I wanted to get the process started right away. Brian went out of the room after a bit to get Tania and Jackson so that she could take him to her house for the night. Tania was so wonderful. She hugged me and talked to me for a while about everything. I was so thankful that she was there that day. Whenever I had thought about being in the hospital having Daisy my main fear was what we were going to do with Jackson. I was apprehensive about leaving him with anyone. He had only been left with family or Katie before and we didn't know how he would react. Luckily he really likes Tania and we are very comfortable with her. She took him to her house that night and we were not worried about him at all. I was so pleased with that, it was relieving not to have that extra worry. We knew he was in good hands and most likely having a blast with Kai.

I called my parents after Jackson left and asked my Mom to fly out here. This was one of those times that a person just really needs her Mommy. My parents were shocked by the news and I could hear their despair and sadness. I needed them here with me.

We met Susan back in the assessment room and a lab technician was waiting for us. I had to have blood drawn. I'm still not sure what all the blood was drawn for. I'm assuming to check for blood antibodies, iron levels, etc. At that point I would have cut off an arm if they told me I had to. The lab tech was a very kind woman. She whispered to me that she was so sorry for my loss. I just cried and whispered back that it wasn't fair. She agreed and then told me that her sister had lost a baby too. She was pregnant with twins and found out that one of them had died the day before they were born. She told me that she likes to think that when a baby dies in the womb that it means the body just wasn't right for them. That are up in heaven waiting for the next chance, the next body that is right for them. That gave me some comfort for a while.

Somehow we ended up in our new room over in the antepartum wing. I do not remember getting to that room. I don't know if I walked there, if I was wheeled there (I doubt it tho). I really do not remember getting there or getting into the bed. This room was a double room but I did not have a roommate and would not have one the entire time I was there. This room was designated for people in my 'situation'. The problem (one of a few) with this room was that I had to share a bathroom with the adjoining room. Because of this I could hear a lot from their room. Brian and I went for a walk around the hospital Sunday night and when we got back to the room all I could hear was the sound of a baby's heartbeat. The patient next door had the fetal heartrate monitor hooked up and it was loud and echoing in my room. It was horrible and cruel. The nurses said it has to be that loud because they need to be able to hear it at the nurses station.

Around 1pm Susan came in to start the induction. She inserted some Cervidil which should get my body started in the labour process. I'll leave out all the details on all of this. And this is also where times and details get a little fuzzy.

Now all we had to do was wait. Brian and I hung out at the hospital all afternoon. He went home at one point to get some stuff for me. I didn't have a hospital bag packed or anything. It never occurred to me that I would need one. I thought I was only 34 weeks pregnant. I thought I had weeks still before I needed to get to that task.

In the early evening Brian went out to work for a bit to get stuff ready so that he wouldn't have to go back the next day. While Brian was gone the OB came back to talk to me. He told me that, so far, there was no reason for why Daisy's heart had stopped. There didn't appear to be any cord problems. He went on to tell me that we may never know the cause, we could have an autopsy done but answers may never be found. He also told me that vaginal birth was the best choice for stillbirths. That it's really not recommended to do a c-section because the recovery time is longer and if/when I have another baby I'd be more likely to need a c-section again (vaginal births after c-sections are thought to be riskier). I was fine with all of that. I did NOT want a c-section. He also told me that when the time came, I might want to get an epidural. I had been planning on having a natural birth. With Jackson I had a bit of morphine and that's all I wanted this time too. The doctor said that with a normal birth all the endorphins and excitement of meeting your baby help to dull the physical pain a bit. In the case of a stillbirth you won't have that, so the pain might seem stronger. It was something to keep in mind.

Brian left to go to the airport to pick up my mom. I called him around the time she was supposed to land to make sure she got there okay. He surprised me by telling me that they got there fine. My dad had decided to come too. I was so pleased to hear that. I had been worried about my mom flying by herself. I could only picture her sitting on the plane sad and crying by herself. I was happy to have both my mom and dad coming to be with me. They got to the hospital in the late evening and sat with us in my room for a bit. Then they went to their condo for the night.

So far I had been having some very light cramping, but nothing implying labour was imminent. We decided to go to sleep for the night and see what tomorrow would bring.

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